DO NOT CONSUME FOUNTAIN SODAS OUTDOORS! Soft drinks purchased for thirst quenching relief are a waste of money during the summer, when an ice cube exposed to outdoor heat has a lifespan of 11 seconds. In the time it takes to bring your Big Gulp from the 7-11 to your car, it becomes watery sop. Use only canned beverages pulled from a cooler and remember to change the ice hourly.

DO NOT EAT ICE CREAM IN A NON-AIR CONDITIONED ENVIRONMENT! I remember the first time I tried to eat a simple Good Humor bar outside. In 3 seconds, the chocolate broke off in small sheets cascading down the front of my shirt amidst globs of vanilla ice cream. I knew what it was, but it gave the rude appearance of having just been struck by a large, recently constipated bird. Something the size of a Pterodactyl.

DO NOT LEAVE ANYTHING CONTAINING LIQUID IN YOUR CAR! Unless you park in a garage, or heavily shaded area, the summer sun heats the interior of your car to 600 degrees. It is hot enough to explode ball point pens and liquid filled gum left unattended. I left a pack of Cinnaburst gum in my car last summer and sure enough, it lived up to its name and the volcanic release became a permanent part of the passenger seat.

AVOID ALL OUTDOOR EXERCISE! An occasional one-inning softball game won’t kill you, but basically you’ll burn all the calories you need going for the mail, bending over for the newspaper on your swale, and taking out your garbage twice a week. You may resume other activity after Halloween.

KEEP MULTIPLE TOWELS HANDY AT ALL TIMES! Those who work through the summer, and God forbid, have to dress in business attire, know all too well that the term “wetback” is not a derogatory ethnic slur, but rather an accurate description of the individual who fails to drape a thick Martha Stewart quality bath towel over the seat back in their car. Otherwise, keep a crowbar handy to pry your back off the car seat.

IGNORE HURRICANE PREPARATION TIPS! Even after enduring 4 hurricane hits last year, most folks will not prepare for the season until panic is generated by hyperventilating TV weather people. The Hurricane season is more of an annual tradition designed to sell candles and Dinty Moore Beef Stew. Go to Home Depot and buy a Lee’s Press-On House kit and you’ll have all you need for protection. Check your liquor cabinet, too.

DO NOT PROVOKE THE “PALMETTO” BUGS! I know women who faint at the sight of these monster roaches. The ones you actually see scrambling from behind your toaster, (sometimes an inch or more in length) are the servant bugs to a colony hosted by “Mega-Palmettos”. These are actually deep within your house, and they cannot be killed. If you aggravate the “runts” you see, they go and notify the big ones. When agitated, they will come out and push you into your pool.

DO NOT EXPOSE YOURSELF TO DIRECT SUNLIGHT FOR MORE THAN 10 MINUTES! If you insist on maintaining a tan, remember that the summer sun is of sufficient intensity to penetrate the pores of your flesh and cook your internal organs. If your kidneys feel like they’re on fire, it’s because they are.

DO NOT DEPEND ON THE BEACH AS AN ESCAPE FROM THE HEAT! Because the sea breeze keeps the beaches relatively habitable, many families seek refuge there. Still, these same folk open their coolers only to find that the heat has fused the cellophane to their sandwiches.