It’s Sky Mall!
Every August, I offer a column dedicated to travel adventure. Unlike other years, like 1979 through 2007, I have no disasters to report this year. My most recent flight, a round trip for my daughter’s graduation, went so smoothly it seemed wrong. No delays. No berserk passengers suffering from Gate Rage.
Not even an alien sitting on the wing mugging me through the window.
I couldn’t even create a calamity. I so resent the obnoxiousness of TSA security, that I used 16 bins going through X-Ray. My watch had a bin. My belt had a bin. My shoes has left and right bins. My laptop went solo and so did the power chord that connects it. I stacked so many gray trays at the end of the conveyor I earned a bona fide pickle puss from one of the uniformed minions behind the counter.
Unfortunately, I also fooled myself. I forgot the 17th bin with my magazine in it, so I boarded the plane with nothing to read. Once airborne, I turned to my old friend, Sky Mall.
Sky Mall is a magazine merger of Brookstone’s and Sharper Image. I want everything in it even though I don’t need it or would likely never use it. Here are a few of the items I briefly considered during my flight.
“Weigh To Go” is every traveler’s dream. For $28.95, this key chain sized device weighs your luggage. If I’d had one of these I could have spared myself grief with a Delta Skycap, who informed me that my large suitcase weighed 48 pounds, resulting in an $80 surcharge! I did not own a “Weigh To Go”, so I simply moved my pair of 8 pound wrist weights from the big bag to my carry on.
With all that extra weight, I had passengers ducking right and left as I swung it into the overhead bin (like an Olympic hammer toss).
Sky Mall has an assortment of items for the I-Pod owner. I have an assortment of reasons for not being an I-Pod owner, but like I said earlier, I wanted them all- especially the “big screen experience on the go” delivered by a pair of Vuzix i-Wear!
For a mere $449 your new Vuzix i-Wear – a pair of glasses that look like downsized night vision military goggles – will create a big screen sensation of anything you’re watching on your I-Pod or laptop. A sort of visual Viagra.
If you actually bought these and wore them on a flight, Homeland Security would be checking your sneakers for fuses within seconds. They give the user a sinister appearance.
Speaking of sinister, let’s turn the Sky Mall page to the photo of a seemingly innocent Golden Retriever. There, they offer a product called Spray Sense, which offers to reduce your dog’s “problem barking”. For $79, you get a collar that releases a “harmless burst of citronella” when your dog barks.
The Spray Sense ad says (and I kid you not)- “FASTER RESULTS THAN ‘SHOCK TREATMENT’ WITH NONE OF THE PAIN. Sounds like something you’d find at Pet Smart next to Abu Garib. Jeez!
The best ad of all was for the “NeckPro Traction Device”. The photo shows a man who looks like he somehow got his face tangled up in his girl friend’s brassiere and one of the cups got stuck under his chin. As punishment, she took the straps and connected them to a large hook at the top of the door and left him there.
The NeckPro is designed to stretch the neck and back vertebrae and from a logistics standpoint, it makes sense. I can picture the Greg Budell outcome in the Sun-Sentinel.
“When Greg did not show up for his radio show for several days, we at first thought he had another failed relationship and turned to alcohol for comfort. After 3 months had passed, we figured we should send someone over there so we dispatched our largest employee to his house in the station van to break down the door, which proved unnecessary. Typical of Greg, he left it unlocked, but when we opened it, we heard a large thump on the other side. And that’s where Greg was, on The Other Side, dangling behind his front door. Things might have been different if he’d had a pair of shoes on before trying that dang neck thing. It was obvious that his toes had struggled mightily to make contact with the tile. Oh well”.
My daughter would never forgive me if I embarrassed her with an escapade like that.
The NeckPro is only $54.95.
It’s that same penchant for disaster that makes the alluring “Rocky Stream Fountain” a no-go for me. This delightful yard piece recreates the soothing sounds of a mountain stream for only $169. The stones appear real, but are made of light-weight, weather resistant resin and it comes a 260-GPH pump, and a 6 foot power chord.
For me, it’s the trifecta! The Rocky Stream Fountain (which really does look enchanting) creates 3 possible death scenarios- electrocution, drowning or hanging myself with the power chord!
Plus, RSF does look like a serene place to end one’s life.
Much as I love shopping Sky Mall, I’ve never been so tempted that I actually ordered something, but it does have value. As the magazine suggests- “Take it with you!”, and I usually do.
When rolled up and whacked with authority against the side of my behind, Sky Mall makes an acoustically perfect sound that brings an immediate end to my dog’s “problem barking”.
Kills bugs on contact, too, and it’s FREE!
